I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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