i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
