I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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