I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
