I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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