sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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