If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
