a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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