Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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