final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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