I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
