i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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