he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
