If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
