did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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