I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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