i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
