So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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