dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
