I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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