I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
