yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
