Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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