i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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