i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
