i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
