If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
