she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
