sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
