I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
