I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
