I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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