I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
