So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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