I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
