the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
