once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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