i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I didn't notice because vodka
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
