You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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