so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
