i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
