call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
why is half of my head shaved?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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