Rock
Scissors
Fuck
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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