i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
