I want to have your abortion
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
