FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
