I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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