that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
