The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
