I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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