I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
