I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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