I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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