I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize