My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
