What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
