there's paper in my vomit.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
