a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
